Slippery Downhill Slope

When I started Institute, I told myself I wasn't going to let it change me. I knew TFA was trying to test every fiber of our beings and break us down so that they could mold us into the type of people they wanted us to be. I was prepared for that. I'm mentally tough. I could take it. I would leave the Delta the exact same person I was when I got there, with 5 more weeks worth of memories and knowledge. I was wrong.
As I sit at my desk on the verge of week 4, reading over blog posts of mine from finals week, senior week and Induction, I'm realizing that I'm not the same person I was when I got here last month. I'm very different. And I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. That one line from that famous motivational saying keeps popping into my head... "if something tries to change you, let it". I suppose I should embrace the idea that this experience is going to change me. In the back of my mind I always knew it would.
Then I stop and think about the conversation I had with Liz at dinner tonight. We were recounting our July 4th weekends to each other (I went to New Orleans, she went to Memphis) and she was explaining to me that people got up at 8 a.m. this morning to start doing work, even though we don't have anything to hand in until Thursday. And then she was telling me about an SLA corps member who felt the need to go into her classroom on Saturdays during her first year, just so she could make sure everything was perfect. I don't want to be that person. That person has no life outside of work. So the two of us made a pact that we would 1. definitely go on our cross country road trip next summer, 2. call each other if we ever felt the need to go into school on a Saturday and 3. remember that it is possible to have a life outside of TFA and refuse to let it become our only existence. TFA is what I do and, for now at least, it is a part of who I am but that does not mean that I will let it become the only thing in my life. I'm going to stay in touch with my friends from school, do things that do not revolve around closing the achievement gap and not let every other joke I make be in reference to TFA.
Last night, after the fireworks ended, I was sitting on the steps of a gazebo on the edge of the Mississippi River in the French quarter, with a frozen daiquiri in my hand and a brass band playing a mash up of Kanye West and the Backstreet Boys. As I sat there, I started thinking of last year's 4th of July and how I spent it in DC with Liz, Erin and Nick. At that point, on that weekend, I was as content with my life as I ever could have hoped to be. If someone had come up to me last year, while I saw sitting on the Mall with Erin and Nick waiting for the fireworks, and asked me, "Kaitlyn Boyle, where will you be one year from now on the 4th of July?" I would have looked them in the eye and, without a moment's hesitation, said "I'll be right here. On the Mall with my friends, waiting for the fireworks." Never, in a hundred years, would I have said that I'd be in New Orleans with a daiquiri and a brass band. Not that it's a bad thing. It just nowhere close to where I thought I'd be.
I also realized something else last night. At some point, I will move back to the District. I'm learning more and more that it is the city I belong in... it's my second home. I may not get back there right away, and definitely have things I want to do before I arrive, but before I turn 30 I will have moved back there. Maybe it's my time in the Delta thats talking, and maybe I'll move to Charlotte in 2 weeks and love it more than I can describe, but DC is a part of me. This spring, I would drive to Tangy Sweet, or to the bank or to Costco and I'd catch glimpses of the Capitol and Dupont and I'd realize that, for all the trouble and aggravation it causes me, that city is my happy place. I say all the time that my happy place involves 2 palm trees, a beach, a pina colada and an ocean breeze. That is my happy place, in my fantasies. Bu DC is my real life happy place. Hot summers, bad traffic, poor snow removal and annoying text messages included. I'll take it all.
I guess this post has kind of turned into a bit of a stream-of-consciousness reflection on the past couple of weeks and how I've been feeling about them. It's probably time I start focusing this blog more on TFA related items but, to me, it has become so intertwined with my life that it isn't possible to distinguish the institution (the organization, not the training) from myself. And, in the end, I think thats exactly how Teach for America wants it to be.

Carolina In My Mind

Right now, i'm sitting in my hotel room in Charlotte, trying to figure out how I got here. Figuratively, I mean. Teach for America is something I've talked about abstractly for so long that it's hard for me to realize that it's actually real. It was always something far off in the distance. When I talked about doing Teach for America it was "yea, this summer I have  to go to Charlotte and to Mississippi and then I move there". It was something that was happening later. But now its happening now and not at some later time. And in some ways I feel like the beginning of this, is also the official end of everything in my past. CUA, New Jersey, the person I used to be... its all behind me. I left it at home when I turned off of 5th Street yesterday and I left it in DC when I got on I-395 this morning.

I'm glad i got to spend last night in DC. A few people are still down there so I was able to crash with one of my friends and, even though his a.c. is broken and its 90 degrees (but I'm not complaining haha), we had a good time. Plus we were able to meet up with some other friends of ours. It was strange though be cause we went out and, instead of going to our usual bar and drinking excessively until last call, we went to a different bar, got a table and had 2 or 3 drinks each. We didn't stand around complaining about classes and talking with/about the other people from school. We talked about starting work, and the job market, and loans and car payments. Its amazing how much the last three weeks have started to change us. This morning I drove through CUA because it was on my way to the highway. And even though I was there three weeks ago, I could tell it was different. I came over the Taylor Street bridge and instantly looked up at my bedroom window in Opus. But the lot outside was filled with only a few cars and the street was empty. I drove through campus and no one was around. It wasn't the normal CUA. And it wasn't just the school. I drove up in a new car, filled with the things I needed to go start a new life in North Carolina. I felt like I was having dinner with an old best friend that I'd missed terribly, only to discover we no longer had anything in common. It solidified the reality that I'm no longer a college student. I think it was good that I got to take that drive.

So this morning I got breakfast with two friends and got on the road, with a coffee from the 7-11 by CUA and James Taylor's "Carolina In My Mind" playing on repeat. It took most of the day, but I got to Charlotte with relatively little trouble. I met two girls in the business center who were trying to print copies of their resume and they were both really nice. All three of of were saying the same things. We were convinced we'd show up and everyone would be high speed and that we'd have problems keeping up. Not that I don't think I'm smart. I know I am. But its just that sense of nervousness that you get when you start something so new and unfamiliar. It was reassuring to know that I wasn't the only person who felt that way. And it also reminded me that all of these people are going through the same thing as me. Three weeks ago they were having their own senior weeks and saying goodbye to friends. I think that somewhere in the back of my mind I had convinced myself that I was going to get here and everyone would be completely professional and mature and "adult" all the time and I'd be this strange person that wasn't quite ready for all the changes that were taking place. After talking with these girls though, it seems to me that they have the exact same outlook as me on this whole thing. I like that. Maybe I don't need to meet this with as many mixed emotions as I have been planning on.